Something about books and covers

Did I mention I’m bald? Like cue-ball bald. I have the hairline of someone significantly older than me and I know full well I will be extremely self conscious about it until my age catches up. That in and of itself wouldn’t be that bad, but I also have an oversized head. From the front it doesn’t look that freakish, it’s the back of my head that juts out in an almost Xenomorphic manner, which makes finding a decent hat to cover all this up a pain in the ass. And yeah, I have become a “hat guy” in recent years. Special ordered oversized ballcaps, knit caps, and the occasional custom stretched derby type hats. Hell, I spent the better part of 10 years intricately planning my public appearances so that non-family would only ever see me with a hat or a head freshly shaved to the skin. That, of course, was all tossed out the window about two years ago, but that’s another topic for another day.

But baldness isn’t the only aspect of the looks lottery I lost. My teeth are crooked, and no, I don’t really have the funds to get them fixed. (I also hate doctors. See my previous ranting about psychiatrists for the main reason. I’ve also undergone several surgeries in various attempts to correct my horrid genetics, so I’ve had my fill of hospitals for the foreseeable future.) My torso is also, well, misshapen for a lack of a better way to describe it, due to scoliosis. And there’re a lot of other aberrations to my physical form, but those are the remaining hurdles I have to women finding me attractive. Still, that’s more than enough to screw me out of the gate.

Another thing to mention is my overall look. See, I dress anywhere from normalish to geek to goth/rivethead/steampunk. The normal to rivethead scale usually depends on how annoyed I am that day. (If you don’t know what rivethead is, shame on you. Used to do punk, but I lost the will for that when my leather jacket was stolen last year.) Normally these days I dress in what I call dark geek: black slacks, (I do actually like a particular brand, because I’m convinvced they make damn near indestructible pants that don’t fade.) black and white sneakers (again, there’s brands I stick to, but I’m not naming anything) and either a black button up shirt, or a black t-shirt of something geeky.

Had a chain wallet in high school, shelved that for a while, gone back to wearing it again. Pulled the black trenchcoat out of the closet too, but that was partly beacuse my previous leather coat of choice was stolen. I have an everyday wear older trenchcoat vaguely reminiscent (holt shit, spelled that right the first time) of the 10th Doctor’s, and another one for “special occassions” that basically looks like something from Nosferatu. (And considering the shape of my shaved head, and how I’ve been going out of my way to stay pale for the last decade, “nosferatu” is a fitting description.)

When it’s time to go goth/rivethead/steampunk, mix and match some black leather wristbands, goggles, and switch out the sneakers for black paratrooper boots. And yes, I tuck the pants into the boots, military style. I know there’s rascist/neo-Nazi/whathaveyou connotations to wearing black on black pants/ boots like that, I really don’t care. I think it looks cool. (Kind of freaked me out when I noticed Tate on American Horror Story dressed the same way when he went on his rampage.)

I do dress normal-ish sometimes, but there’s always some black in there somewhere, especially since 90% of my wardrobe is black. And while I rarely do so intentionally, I’ve been told my more common facial expressions are reminiscent of a serial killer. Which has sort of worked to my advantage and opened up a previously unforeseen future career option related to that thing that tossed 10 years of my careful planning out the window, but more on that later.

And I guess I should mention that I’ve had an unusual goatee since like, I got out of high school. Off the chin, it’s usually at least 5 inches long, give or take, and braided. Basically like Shavo Odadjian, but nowhere near as long. And I should also mention that for a while I started growing in a sihka last year. Or a backknot, or whatever you call a topknot that’s on the back of your head. Why? Been thinking about it for years, though I forget why I originally became fascinated with the idea. Could also be that I get just bored with my appearance. And as much as it bothers me to admit it, a comment made by a friend (who will heretofore be know as #3) that I look like an evil wizard from the front and Charlie Brown from the back struck home. So I figured “Y’know what? Screw it. I’m not getting any dates now, so why not go all out?” If you’re going to avoid me in public, to hell with it, I’m going to give you reason to.

As of my typing this, I shaved off the sihka about a month ago. But to my surprise, for as much of an utter pain in the ass as it was to try to neatly shave the back of my head with no help other than a lot of patience and a complex mirror arrangement, I actually came to miss it. So! The sikha hath returned! The question now is whether or not I can tolerate my “IT support” job long enough to be able to get it longer than the 7 inches I had it last time.

One of the few things I… think… I have going in my favor is that I’m thin, but I, well I don’t know. Can’t really seem to win either way; being five foot six and a half and anywhere from 140-180 pounds like I was through the bulk of my youth, or being about 125 pounds like I am now. I know I’ve just spent almost an entire post describing how I wear my disposition on my sleeve, but all that came after I was given reason ample reason to be so misanthropic. Have I mentioned yet that it sucks being me?

-Johnny Broken


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