Archive for September, 2013

I can’t win.

Posted in Uncategorized on September 13, 2013 by Johnny Broken

So I’ve been referring to my plans for Halloween recently. The general idea is to kill myself as close to Halloween as possible. I think it’s quaintly poetic for someone like me, as October is the only time of the year I actually like anymore. There’s that wondrous fall chill to the air, so it’s cold enough to wear a decent trenchcoat, but not so cold as to be unbearable. Leaves have fallen off the trees with enough wind blowing them around, leading to things just looking so… dead. And the days are blessedly shorter, which mean less blinding sunlight and more comforting darkness. It fits my usual mood quite well. Sure it’s a little melodramatic, but something in my life needs to have a little meaning.

And then the month caps off with Halloween. I rarely do anything fun on the 31st anymore anyway, but there’s still the potential, and that’s the important part. Not sure exactly what I would do, I mean yeah, of course I’d like to accomplish something related to the supernatural, but I’ll just keep that pipe dream to myself. And I love seeing… most… people in costume, and there’s my overall obsession with spirits and magic and the like. I enjoy seeing that stuff everywhere. And then the sun comes up on November 1st, and everything sucks hardcore until January 12th.

See, I’m not a family person in any way, shape or form. Haven’t been for a very long time. There’s a myriad of reasons, and other than my being a loner, most of them are so awkward I don’t even like the idea of talking about them here. So I hate Thanksgiving (also have that problem with eating), lost interest in Christmas (I have no one I WANT to buy gifts for) and will be generally miserable until after my birthday on January 11th. One of the annoying parts about having no real friends is that it makes celebratory occasions rather annoying.

Sidetracked for a bit there, sorry about that.

It’d be great if Halloween was on like a Friday or Saturday night this year, but sadly such is not the case. Be a lot easier to get out at late hours that way, which would be when I’d want to try something intended to be fatal. (And yeah, the weekend would also give me time to compensate if I chicken out for like the… 4th time.)

The plan is to drive my car over and off the road of some hills nearby. There’s a decent drop off said hills, maybe a quarter of a mile. Though I am completely guessing at the range. Regardless of an exact number, I figure flying through the air for that distance at 80 to 90 miles per hour while unsecured in a car, and then crashing to the ground below should be more than enough to kill me.

But the circumstances aren’t right just yet. Devil’s Night is on a Wednesday, and fuck that. Halloween itself falls on a Thursday, which is maddeningly close to my ideal situation, but this isn’t horseshoes or hand grenades. So I seem to be stuck with the weekend before, which… sucks. Feeling masochistic, I looked up next year’s calendar, and fuck you calendar we follow, whatever your name is. Of course Halloween is on a Friday NEXT YEAR. I can’t make it another year!

*sigh*

I want to die.

I’m falling apart. Can’t eat, process food, sleep, or sit down normally.

I am not a physically attractive person.

Women hate me.

I have a job that sucks and I’m almost always broke because of my family.

My living situation is so bad I don’t even want to talk about it to complete strangers I’m willing to tell my suicide plans to.

I hate my family

I do not want to be involved in my brother’s impending wedding.

I have no friends.

I’m a failure.