Archive for Columbine

I need a better nickname

Posted in Updates with tags , , , , , , on May 22, 2013 by Johnny Broken

I still insist I’m not a physically violent person, but back in the day, I, as I tend to think of it, “was Columbine before Columbine was cool.” Being the little social reject for the longest time, after everything I was going through at school (no friends) and with my pathetic excuse for a social life (very few friends, no girlfriend), after two particular game changing events in my life, I had an epiphany.

The first game-changer for me was first time I met a bona-fide “goth” in person. I’d seen the stuff in movies up to that point, and heard a bit about it, but I’d never actually seen anyone that dressed and acted like they just stepped out of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I was awestruck. People can do that all black thing? In like, real life? Wow, that’s cool. Having been a bit of a devil’s advocate regarding “bad guys” already, I slowly began my own personal transformation. I spent years shifting away from the colored clothing I had, and focused more and more on the dark colors. I was still fairly young at the time, so all I really could do was wear my black sports teams shirts and eventually get more black jeans and some less gaudy sneakers. These days, that look is what I call trailer park goth. You’ve seen it around. It’s someone who wears “sports” sneakers that are about 95 to 100 percent black, faded black jeans, and a pop-culture related black t-shirt. Trailer park goths have the basic idea down, but it’s the poor man’s version of dressing like the world hates you and you hate it right back. If you’re going to do it, do it right, dammit.

The second game-changer for me was the first Crow movie. Yeah, yeah, it’s cliché now, but I was mesmerized by the idea of coming back from the dead to exact revenge on those who wronged you. And looking cool while doing it, of course. I mortified a teacher once when I pointed out that was why I was obsessed with the movie, not the love story aspect. And after this heavy hitting life altering combo, something in me finally snapped, and I went full on Satanist for a while. I was good at it too. Grew my hair out, dyed it black, wore all black with boots and a trenchcoat, everything. Pretended I knew magic, (I actually started researching magic, but that’s another topic for another day) made up stories about sacrificing animals at my house, and rebelled pretty hardcore at the private catholic high school I went to at the time. That whole thing culminated when I finally started threatening people. Girls, specifically, if you must know. Came up with elaborate stories about how I was going to sacrifice them and everything.

To be honest I kept at it because I had finally turned the tables. Of course I’m pretty sure some people just played along with me in a funny ha-ha sort of way. But I know for a fact some people believed every single word I was saying at the time. People were finally afraid of ME. And I loved it. Ever have a crowd part for you as you walked? Ever have someone see you, promptly turn tail and run? Or start crying merely because you walked into the room? Seriously, it’s an ego trip like you wouldn’t believe. And considering that I had no ego prior to my trying to become Mister Evil, I couldn’t get enough.

But while I never physically hurt or touched anyone, I finally went a little too far, and got suspended from high school. Twice. The second time was the straw that broke the camel’s back and sent me to the local public high school during my senior year. Fun times, that.

So a stint with a psychiatrist and some doctor approved better living through chemistry later, I mellowed out. Sort of. See, I’ll tell you a little secret. Psychiatry is pure bullshit. “Psychiatrists” spend so much time studying to be called a doctor that they end up getting grossly out of touch with what the common person knows and thinks. All shrinks do know about YOU is what other people vaguely like you have done. So instead of being treated like an individual case, you become a statistic who gets the same schtick the last guy got, regardless of the details of why you’re doing what you’re doing or why they did what they did.

Oh you and the guy that came before you both have issues with your, say, sibling. But maybe the other guy was physically abused by his brother, but your sister is a mommy’s girl and it annoys the hell out of you. But as far as that doctor is concerned, 75% of people who have issues with their siblings were abused by their parents. So he’ll treat you like you were molested by your father, regardless of whether or not you actually were.

Maybe there’s an element specific to the last guy that the doctor didn’t catch but was able to “treat” with some random comment he made that the patient interpreted in some warped way as the answer they were looking for. But that same element won’t apply to you, never mind that the doctor thinks it was something else they said during the other guy’s therapy. And then they give you drugs that really only make you tired. See, can’t be harmful to yourself or anyone else if all you want to do is sleep. Or you’re so confused by psychobabble you don’t know which way is up. Success! Next patient!

At least that’s how it’s “worked” in the case of anyone I’ve ever known to have to go through it, myself included. In my case, I decided to leave the wacky ward because it wasn’t playing out how I thought it would. See, I had it in my head at the time that being locked in a padded room and only ever occasionally seeing a nurse or a doctor was a better alternative to my life. To my dismay, the local mental ward was nowhere near as peaceful as Hollywood lead me to believe it would be. So I changed my tune and stared telling the doctors what they wanted to hear.

So yeah, I laid off the destructive urges for a couple years to keep out of hospitals, and tried to make do. I also hate hospitals now. Tried college. Long story short, that didn’t work out, and lead to another stay in the mental ward. I hate colleges now too. Skip ahead many moons and past my previous lighter hearted entries here, and we’re up to now-ish. It was a couple months ago that I noticed I’ve kind of regressed to being as depressed and angry as I used to be.

-Same writer, thinking about a new nickname