Archive for confusion

My type concluded

Posted in Updates with tags , , , , on June 19, 2013 by Johnny Broken

So there I am, stunned by something I never thought I’d hear. Ever. Then my mind finally scrambled back to a functional level and I did a mental “Waitaminute. What?!” I’m guessing it’s probably rather pathetic, but I just can’t get what she said out of my head. Like I said, beautiful women don’t talk to me, let alone go out of their way to say they miss me. But I am a pathetic human being, so it fits. Getting back to the confusion, I started thinking, in my own utterly incompetent way, about how I could seek answers to the questions that were now running through my mind. A beautiful girl who is nothing like me likes talking to me? Why? Should I do something about this? Should I try to talk to her more? Is she trying to test how I react? How should I react? Am I overthinking this?

Rather, well, smitten with the development, I did go out of my way to try to talk to her more. And that’s what’s made the situation worse. Sometimes she’d wave as she passed. Sometimes she’d blow me off all day. Sometimes she’d wait for me outside and we’d talk briefly as we walked in to work. Sometimes we’d never intersect at all during the day. So I really don’t know I’m doing something wrong, or if I should be doing anything at all. And it occurs to me that you’re probably wondering what my end goal is here. Yeah, I won’t lie, I wouldn’t object to dating her, but I seriously don’t ever see that happening. So I’m really not trying to move forward on anything like that. At least not intentionally, anyway. I’m just… I don’t know, really. Stumbling through trying to be a friend? My only real life friend, we’ll call him #3, tells me I’m wasting my time. But after every time I’ve been convinced that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, in a few days she’s all friendly again. Which lead me to a surprisingly pleasant development. Temporary, of course, but anyway.

I had a week off from work, and the Tuesday after I came back was a free pizza day. Now I usually head off and keep to myself during lunch, but against my better judgment, I figured what the hell and grabbed some pizza. (I normally only eat one of those six packs of cheese and crackers for lunch. After a lot of trial and error, it’s the only thing I’ve found that I don’t get sick off of. And there’s also my, uh, minor obsession with my weight.) As I passed by the lunch room, I noticed the beautiful girl was sitting by herself at a table, which lead to a brief internal struggle in my head for the 5 seconds I had to think it over before the point of no return.

Odd, I thought, she normally doesn’t stay in here for lunch.

Where’s her friend that’s usually joined at her hip, who also seems to be one of the factors in her not talking to me?

Should I sit with her or go off and do what I normally do?

How much will I regret if don’t sit next to her?

What’s the worst that could happen if I do sit next to her?

And for once in my life, I took the initiative and sat at the table. Well, I admit I cheated a bit and set my stuff down at the table and mumbled, “Be right back” as I walked off to quickly wash my hands. And yes, I fully expected her to get up and leave before I got back. And she didn’t! So we sat and talked for a bit. About 10 minutes later she stood up and said she was going to go “burn my lungs” and she walked out. Now I did not take that to mean “let’s go outside so I can smoke” so pretty much right after she left, I did too. And as I walked out, I chuckled nervously to myself that after something like that, I probably wasn’t going to get to talk to her again for a long, long time.

And guess who wasn’t at work the next day? And only for like 2 hours the day after that?

So I wrote the whole thing off, again, as my having scared her off. Which lead to the following Friday. As I was on my way out for lunch, I happened to randomly notice that she was sitting in the lunch room again, alone, at the same table. Well I sat with her again, and we talked for a while. During which, to my surprise she did happened to bring up that she doesn’t do much online. (I had been wondering how to get in touch with her via social media. And now I knew that wasn’t happening.) But again after roughly 10 minutes, she goes out to smoke. Now at this point, I figured that after talking to her that much, I wouldn’t talk to her again for at least a few days, considering how on-and-off she is around me.

And sometimes in my life, I’m damn near psychic.

My division conspired against me and I couldn’t make the “usual” lunch time the next day. And I don’t think I saw her at all the next two days. And then on Friday, I caught her once, but never got to say anything, and she continued on her merry little way. And the following Monday, like a third of my old division, the stuff she was doing, started issuing layoffs. Which, of course, included her.

Now they do tend to rehire people after a slow week or three. But, well, I don’t even know if I should bother thinking about this. I mean I am going to keep thinking about it, because beautiful girls who are nothing like me don’t talk to me. But at this point, I can’t really do anything else about it, regardless of her tendency to avoid me every other day anyway.

UPDATE: I typed this up initially about a month ago, and as of my posting this, the division she was in has only gotten smaller since then. At this point I don’t know when they’ll be rehiring anyone for that particular job, never mind the odds of re-hiring her in particular. So I find it extremely unlikely I’ll ever see her again. C’est ma vie.

-Johnny Broken


Maybe I don’t know my type after all

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 12, 2013 by Johnny Broken

I humbly admit I’ve developed a fondness for certain social medias. The online variety, of course. If there’s a need for a distinction, but anyway, I’m also on twitter @destroyedspirit. Feel free to look me up there. I guess I like talking to no one in particular about topics that people don’t like talking about. Kind of hard for me to do that in real life, as I’ve just recently learned that one of the last two guys I consider a friend is moving out of state for work. As his wife is a controlling bitch of Jabba-esque proportions , my only other real friend and I don’t expect to ever see the guy again. So I’m down to one real world friend. And even he’s an asshole more often than not. Fun times, my life.

Do I have any prospects for a girlfriend? As you may have gathered by now, I’m horrible with women. So I really don’t know. Some random women my age talk to me at work, but I have no idea how to interpret any sort of flirty sign or signal or anything. Or if the looks cast my way are of the “Oooh, interesting” or the “Oooh God stay away” variety. There’s one girl, for example, who confuses the hell out of me. But before I start talking about why she does, I do want to point out that I still don’t know if I should be chuckling or horrified that she has the same hair color and name as that last “real” girlfriend I had all those years ago.

Anyway, this girl, let’s call her #4. The biggest thing is that she’s, well, hot, and thusly out of my league. Way, waaay out of my league. Like I just found out t-ball existed and she’s won a couple world serieissises. (Yeah, I do generally hate sports analogies, but it gets the point across rather well. And yeah, again, there’s no intended innuendo.) If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years with any certainty, it’s that ugly ducklings DO NOT get the swan in real life. And not that it matters, but she’s also a good bit younger than me, and she has two kids. And I know it’s jumping ahead a lot, but you can rest assured, I know full well I’m not ready for anything anywhere near THAT level of responsibility. So, back to the confusion.

Now #4, she’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I could go on about her reading level, but I don’t know if she even has a GED, so I can’t say how badly the educational system failed her. The important thing to keep in mind here is that in a business environment, I’m a grammar Nazi and I’m pretty sure management knows this. I admit that when she was moved right next to my station at work, and I got a chance to hear her repeatedly stumbling over very simple words, at first I started working on a lot of jokes about how she was putting said inner grammar Nazi into a coma. But then a team leader came by, and #4 quite literally burst into tears because she felt that what they had her doing made her sound stupid, which was made worse by whatever was going on in her home life.

After hearing her confession, I just couldn’t bring myself to mock her as badly as I intended. Feeling a bit chivalrous, I decided that so help me, I will make her smarter and as good at this job as I can. Now I should also mention that the guy who sat on the far side of her was equally capable of coaching her, and did as well from time to time. So a few weeks passed, I helped her out as best I could, and the other guy did too. And to my pleasant surprise, I noticed that she caught on pretty quick.

I try to make small talk with anyone I have to sit next to for like 30 hours a week, and the job it boring enough as is, so I’d also try to make her at least laugh from time to time. (There’s a big clue about that career opportunity I’ve been alluding to.) I was relatively content as the next few weeks passed, then I got moved to a different area at work. More than anything, I was annoyed that I was getting moved away from the hot girl that talked to me, and I figured that was the end of it. But this is where the confusion kicks in. When I pointed this out to her, to my extreme surprise, she actually got all, well, pouty that I was being moved away.

My heart skipped a beat. Women, especially the incredibly attractive ones, don’t express sorrow that they will no longer be next to me all day.

She explained that she preferred learning from me, compared to the other guy on her far side. He’s apparently a lot harsher, and I’m more laid back and easier to deal with. For as pleasantly unexpected a development as that was, it was quickly countered by how badly my new desk at work sucked, and my belief that if I didn’t have a desk right next to her, I probably wouldn’t talk to #4 again. Did I mention she’s beautiful? Beautiful women don’t talk to me. Skip ahead a few days to the start of the work day, and I hear someone behind me trying to get my attention. I turn around, and again, to my surprise, it’s #4. She commented on how she doesn’t get to see me anymore, and then she said something that’s stuck with me ever since.

“I miss you!”

-Johnny Broken